I am a wing nut. A fanatic. I developed a habit in undergrad and have fueled it steadily ever since. I know what makes the perfect wing, and what doesn’t. So let’s see how these puppies stack up. And by puppies I mean puppies. But only because you expected me to say wings. These are the wings at Heights Tavern in NYC.

Heights Tavern Half and Half Wings

The Scene: Heights Tavern; 164 St. and Broadway.  This place is pretty comfortable – spacious, appropriate lighting, bearable music, plenty of (clean) bathrooms. It’s got a nice happy hour selection and some pretty good beers on tap. If beer isn’t your thing, they also make a swell martini. Just don’t expect to get your keys back without a fight (with a brick wall) if they fall behind the sofa seats.  4/5

The Sauce: Two options here, Chipotle Honey BBQ or Hot. If you are as indecisive as I am, you can just order a half and half plate and have both. The wings come well coated and don’t feel thirsty or drowned. Both sauces have a pretty good flavor profile, but don’t particularly stand out as special. Comes with a side of bleu cheese dressing, which has good consistency and adequate cheesy flavor, but actual cheese is noticeably absent (a BIG no-no in my book).  3/5

The Spice: These wings have no spice. Now, I know that I’ve got a strong tolerance for capsaicin, but it’s not me; it’s the wings. Not even a nip at the taste buds! It’s not really an issue for the BBQ wings but it is a fair disappointment as far as the “hot” wings are concerned, and the vinegar can’t cover that up. 2/5

The Price: 10 bucks for 10 wings. 3.5/5

The Sides: Oh yea, it comes sparsely dotted with a few sticks of veggies (carrots and celery), which are underwhelming but that’s fine since you shouldn’t really be interested in this dish for its vegetables. Seriously herbivores, say something – I will NOM you!

The Satisfaction: Overall, I must say that I enjoyed my time at the Heights Tavern, but this was more a result of the company I shared and the tasty libations available. The wings were underwhelming at best, and made worse by their sogginess, which was odd because they were simultaneously hot and crispy. How does that happen? A hot, crispy, yet SOGGY wing? I could forgive the lack of heat, the average quality dressing, and the inclusion of Bambi food, but never the sogginess. Truly then, Heights Tavern’s “Crispy Wings” are the stuff of paradox.

The Score: 3 – Meh. I’d probably still eat ’em again though.

The Cost: 3 men, 1 baby.

More info – http://heightstavernnyc.com

-Namakemono