Dave Chappelle’s Dylan, from Making the Band 2 put it best when asked, “Who are the five best rappers alive?”

“Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and, Dylan!”

Well, much like Dylan, I have five reasons why I don’t like Warner Brothers’ next Batman, and they are, in no particular order:

Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck

And

Ben Affleck

………

………

………

AND BEN AFFLECK, BEN AFFLECK, BEN AFFLECK!!!!

Stunned? Yes Ben, I know, all this probably seems like a lot to take in, coming to terms with the existence of an opposition to your taking up the mantle of the “World’s Greatest Detective.”

But you can’t erase Daredevil. You just can’t. Don’t try to act like you’ve grown and matured in the time since that awful excuse for a movie was given to the world; If you couldn’t play the serious gruffybear intellectual superhero the first go around, I’m simply not apt to believe you will do too much better this time.

Not to mention, the Chris Nolan Batman trilogy was an incredible example of story telling. Hit-and-miss here and there, but ABSOLUTELY entertaining throughout all three films, regardless of whatever shortcomings you manage to find. It’s difficult to imagine that you would be able to find a balance between that and Batman and Robin. If you escalate the intensity of the performance, you’ll  be called out for emulating Christian Bale. If you tone the brooding down and play it a bit campier, you will be trounced like Ryan Reynolds’ depiction of Hal Jordan, and thrown in with the Schumacher films. Either way, you’ve got your work cut out for you in creating a new cinematic portrayal of Batman that we can all get behind.

This isn’t like the situation with Chris Evans, Ben. Captain Torchmerica is incredible. You can’t simply switch teams and expect that we will forgive you your transgressions. Chris Evans has garnered brand loyalty and respect by remaining with the same brand (different production companies but the brand familiarity still goes a long way), and although the Fantastic Four movies were about as good as Daredevil, the key difference here was in the performance. Chris gave a spirited performance as the Human Torch and was easily the most interesting character of the FF movies. Moreover, as he moved into the role of Captain America, he continued to deliver performances with a level of sincerity that simply was not expressed in your portrayal of Mr. Murdock. Even if we overlook the story quality and tone of your respective former franchises as dogmatic of an era in film when the superhero flick was still developing its key qualities, your performance simply falls flat.

Ben, at this point in your career, you have TOO strong of a presence for me to accept you as a character such as Bruce Wayne. When I watch your films, I am not watching Brian, or Steve, or Dirk Jenkins, or whoever the credit roll says your character is. I simply can’t suspend my disbelief; I am watching Ben Affleck. YOU are a character now, Ben. Much like beloved thespian Nicholas Cage (My favorite actor and star of Ghost Rider Nicholas Cage Rides a Motorcycle While His Head is On Fire), you are too much of a spectacle to sink into a character; rather, the characters you play merely become vehicles through which you pretend you are living someone else’s life. Like The Prince and The Pauper. But I see all-too-vividly through your new clothes, emperor.

I could sooner accept you as a villain than as THE Bat; your schmoozy, lofty, smarm-charm would lend itself well to the likes of the Riddler or perhaps a lesser known villain in Batman’s stable. S-*BEEPS*-t, I’d even accept you as Lex Luthor (Ok, no I wouldn’t, and I would object to that just as vehemently), but I simply cannot be compelled to acquiesce to the Batfleck.

In the end though Ben, it would have been absolutely ludicrous of you to turn down the chance to be the Caped Crusader. The cards are dealt; we’re aiming for a flush. So please, please, please, please, PLEASE, Ben, prove me wrong. Make me love your Batman. Usher all of us DC fans into the next era of cinematic greatness with a performance worthy of that iconic cowl.

*Update* I am so pleased that he did prove me wrong. Ben rose to the challenge and gave us a Batman worth our respect. While Batman v Superman was far from perfect, this Batman – and this Bruce Wayne – are absolutely intriguing enough to deserve more of our attention. Congratulations, Ben. Looking forward to seeing where you take the character from here.

-Namakemono

Related articles

• Ben Affleck as Batman: Seven Reasons Fans are Unhappy (entertainment.time.com)
• 15 Suggestions for a Better Batman Than Ben Affleck (mashable.com)