Sometimes, I think some rather random things. I don’t know if they are worth sharing or appropriate (well, the answer is probably a resounding “NO” on both counts there, actually), but, now they’re out there. And you can’t unread them. You’re welcome. 

A secret is a rather interesting thing when you think about it. In the simplest terms, a secret is a truth that is hidden. We all, knowingly or not, possess several that we carry around with us as we go about our daily drivel, and in many cases approach them ambivalently. “This won’t hurt anybody,” “Our little secret,” “Let’s keep this between us,” “It’s just a little white lie,” “It’s probably better not to tell;” however you like to dress it up, a secret can come in many forms.

As I sat here passing yet another sleepless night, a thought occurred to me, and shortly after it bubbled into existence, I realized I wasn’t going to share it with anyone else, which left a stinging little hole somewhere in my ego that could be glossed over, but never truly filled. Honestly, it was an insignificant thought that passed through my head as I watched Bernie Mac doing his thing on Netflix. As much as I wanted to share this in fact quite trivial (in the grand scheme) thought with anyone, the reality of doing so presented too much of an inconvenience to the carefully maintained facade that I present to the world. Which lately has become fraught with cracks.

This snowball of contemplation continued onto its next thought, which fortunately for you, I can share. I’ve understood since childhood that “freedom” is money (not in and of itself, but as a tool), which grants its possessors influence, which in turn grants its possessors power (which is really just the ability to act unencumbered by the consequences of taking any given action). Yet this is not the only type of freedom; beyond freedom from the innate social contract which all human societies abide, there is also intellectual freedom. And while social freedom may lay beyond the reach of most of us, intellectual freedom can be earned by anyone with a strong enough desire to know the truth.

Part of this means being honest with oneself; like I said earlier, we all possess secrets, and because the thought of facing the truth can be too much to bear, we often hide from it in fear of the damage it could do to our unguarded egos. In reality, however, any damage that is to occur will, whether or not we acknowledge it. Yet a grand step towards intellectual freedom is taken once we can acknowledge, just to ourselves, that objective thing which we know to be true, ugly or no. Furthermore, in doing so, we gain the power to repair that damage and become stronger from it. Even if you never admit to another soul that you have some unflattering fault, by admitting it to yourself, you can work on that shortcoming instead of allowing it to fester. As Shakespeare famously wrote, “To thine own self be true.”

But just as this quote from Hamlet continues on, so too does the concept of intellectual freedom. Going back to the thought I had which prompted this entire reflection, we can distill this second aspect of intellectual freedom: the elimination of secrets entirely; removing the mask which we all take care to adorn before others. After I realized I would never share my thought with anyone, even though I  wanted to, it became clear that I am unnecessarily burdening myself with a weight that is stifling my growth. To be unencumbered by the truth of a matter and its sharing is a great boon to the acquisition of knowledge and maturity. It may in fact be cowardly to avoid sharing one’s true opinion simply to defend anything so frail as as that mask. In any case, the sense of peace that comes from placing confidence in one’s own positions is another step towards intellectual freedom because it allows us to glean insights in a more objective fashion. If I wasn’t so turned off by the self-imposed consequences of sharing my thought, I would be able to learn more about that particular thought in general, and learn more about myself as a person.

So then, the ultimate goal is to find the strength to allow my shortcomings to face scrutiny from others, knowing that it will allow me to become a better person, instead of fearing the consequences of actions long since past and allowing them to dictate the path I tread in life. Which is so much easier said than done. But I will grow towards this, because I must.

“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man”

-Namakemono