Sometimes, I think some rather random things. I don’t know if they are worth sharing or appropriate (well, the answer is probably a resounding “NO” on both counts there, actually), but, now they’re out there. And you can’t unread them. You’re welcome. 

Alpacas are STOOPID dope.

I know, I know, but before you click away whilst thinking, “What are you talking about you doltish kumquat?!” Just hear me out. Because before you leave, I’ll have you saying “Alpacas are STOOPID dope” too.

Have you ever been to a petting zoo, the ones where they have all the animals people love (to eat) but really hope don’t come up and get stinky animal goo all over their good pants? You know, they fence them off and slap up a petting zoo sign, place a bucket of corn or something at the gate and overcharge for a handful of “animal feed?”

Like this one!

Time and again you go in, hoping that this time will be pleasant and that all the various meat-precursors on display will actually be clean, cute and  well-behaved. Instead, the ducks, chickens and geese squawk incessantly and the pigs think that everything attached to you is food and treat your clothes accordingly. The goats think that exact same thing, and that you serve a dual purpose as a stepping ladder (*cloppity-clop*, Oh you just dry-cleaned that? That’s too bad! *cloppity-clop*). The unsupervised little three-year-olds are having mind explosions and can’t sit still, and the cows and horses are TOO BIG. That’s right, TOO BIG. They scare me, so what (It’s a long story involving an actual rodeo that actually came to the South Bronx)!?

Cloppity-Clop!

Then you have the llamas.  The llamas are dicks. Not only are they TOO BIG, they’re mean to boot. According to National Geographic Llamas are actually the South American cousins of camels, minus the hump. Native folks strap ’em up with loads of stuff and have ’em carry things all over the place.  They can survive on minimal sustenance, their poop can be used as fuel and they might just be pretty tasty. Also, their fur and hides can make leather and wool, so they can totally hook you up with that badass mountain man outfit you always wanted, yay! But it’s not all gravy, baby – because like I said, llamas are dicks. They can become stubborn, refuse to move or cooperate, and hiss and spit at you. SPIT AT YOU. So why are these animals even featured in petting zoos at all?

Yup.

I don’t know, but their cousins, Alpacas, are STOOPID dope.

A few summers ago, while I was riding my motorcycle along through the mountain passes of Northwestern Japan, I happened to come across a little janky mountain zoo. My butt was tired and beaten up from the hours of abuse it took from my bike seat, so I decided to stop and have a look around and see what none of the fuss was about. I was pretty nonplussed about the whole thing; there were rows upon rows of rusty old cages, with animals spattered throughout, failing fences,  broken playground equipment and plenty of weeds growing through the cracks and patches. If it wasn’t for the old lady sitting at the entrance collecting a ¥250 per person donation, I would have guessed the place had been long abandoned.

Something’s wrong with your face there, pal!

There was a cage full of monkeys, staring longingly at the mountains from which they came not even twenty meters away, yet as impossible to reach as if they were 2000 kilometers away. A little newborn, who knew nothing of the mountains hopped about eagerly in an unwitting bliss, pausing long enough to stare into my face through the bars, maybe wondering why it was brown instead of red like his.

Another cage held a tiny little mountain bear who looked too hot and exhausted to even swat at a fly, much less throw a glance my way. There were, of course, turtles, the obligatory peacocks, though none as impressive as one in my neighborhood whom I had lovingly dubbed “King Cock,” and chickens doing what those animals always do (squawk, cluck, poop – squawk, cluck, poop). Across the clearing from these animals was another row of enclosures that held the cows, horses, sheep, and goats.*Cloppity-clop*, TOO BIG – didn’t go.

The real stars were behind all that in a modest enclosure that was surprisingly well maintained. On the right side of this enclosure was a lively herd of ostriches, who were in the middle of a high-speed endurance race and really letting the sand fly as they lapped each other, fighting for position in a race that didn’t end while I was there. More importantly, on the left side were the cutest, most awesome, bestest, coolest, adorablest animals on the planet – a pair of vanilla and chocolate no-longer-quite-baby alpacas.

Cute as hell – These lil’ guys would make even a hardcore gangster soft as baby s-*BEEPS*-t!

These little guys were really playful, but not rude about it at all. After feeding them, they followed me around the enclosure, which was super cute given their recently-shorn status – humming along happily, without spitting on or trying to step all over me. They were in general really friendly and didn’t mind being touched, and I was also surprised at how clean they were. You see, unlike all those other petting zoo-approved animals, alpacas take care to designate one spot as their bathroom and they all use that same spot, kind of like us humans. So their living area was free of poo, not smelly and pleasant to be in. It was almost a sad moment when closing time came and I had to say farewell to the little guys, and my cat (cute as he is) very narrowly missed out on having to find a new home, because if I could have taught one of those little dudes to sit on the back of my bike, he would’ve been gone!

If you tell me you wouldn’t be super giddy that these little guys were following you around, I WILL KICK YOU.

Look, let’s be real here. Alpacas are camelids, like llamas, but smaller, fluffier, less aggressive, and much cuter. They have been bred by humans for thousands of years and have developed friendly personalities. They are neat and clean, easy to provide for and their wool is even finer than that of llamas. You could eat them, but why would you want to when they are so damn cute? The petting zoo might be a hectic, nasty, smelly, uncomfortable cesspool which people are somehow convinced to spend time inside of, and that basic fact won’t change. Stinky pigs will be pigs, rambunctious goats will be goats and chickens and ducks will squawk incessantly. Sheep will always be timid and cute, but dirty, and cows and horses will always be TOO DAMN BIG. But one minor change could bring a little less noise, a little less filth, a little more calm, and a lot more cute. Swap out those llamas for alpacas and the petting zoo might just become a place worth visiting. Maybe.

Which brings me to the conclusion of my rant, so say it with me!

Alpacas are STOOPID dope!

Look how cute that is! STOOPID dope.

-Namakemono