I have some thoughts to share on Man of Steel which I recently watched, and I thought I’d share them here. Tonight. With you. There are some spoilers, so if you haven’t seen it already, deal with it and keep reading anyway (Is it really that terrible to know what happens? Movies are notoriously guilty of reusing the same tropes and narratives anyway. It’s all about, as Megamind would say, “PRESENTATION!”).

Dear Man of Steel Players:

My name is Jon, and I have a couple of pointers on your performances. You can trust me, I’m a pro, and the internet says that I’m on the internet. I’m pretty sure that counts as a legitimate credential. Anyway, here are my tips, thank me later:

Kal-El: Smash more. You’re well on your way to putting the Hulk out of a job.

Jonathan Kent: Just to save a dog, and prove a pointless point? Really?

Jor-El: I’d pay to see a movie about you. Also, sweet Jedi Force-Ghosting.

Perry White: It took you 2 hours too long to decide that evacuation was a good idea. C’mon son.
Also, it was outside of your window, but you watched it on tv?
Also, where did that video feed come from?? Who was still rolling cameras on all that? Clearly someone as dedicated to standing abnormally close to danger as you.

Military: You are flies buzzing around a bullfight. Quit that.

Lois Lane: When a guy lugubriously ends what is ostensibly his last link to a society/species he recently learned he was part of, and which would apparently just as soon be rid of him, give him some space.

Especially when he’s got super strength, because to him you’re just a big water balloon.

Clark Kent: You might as well have been walking around with a GPS tracking device in your pocket. How could you possibly think that after all of THAT, covering your tracks was as simple as a pair of glasses and a new job?

General Zod: You were right, and you know, deep down, you aren’t really a bad guy. However, a bit of soft diplomacy, and perhaps a consultation or two with the scientists of our great planet would have provided you with a nice condo down the street from us. We might have even helped you move in. That Kepler telescope is pretty good hardware you know.

General Zod’s Scientist, Jax-Ur (A.K.A. Jor-El’s replacement): You extracted the necessary information contained in the codex from Kal-El’s blood, didn’t you? And you and your buddies found that nice outpost that had everything you’d need to recreate your civilization on another planet, right? Not like it was destroyed or anything, clearly.

So….You let Zod and pals keep on raging, instead of suggesting a tactical retreat, giving you the time to go ahead and use that codex info to build up a super army, WHY?

Also, How did you know that you should check his blood? What part of his completely identical-to-yours physiology screamed, “cut me open I have secrets!” I understand imprisonment, coercion via painful means, etc. but running a lab report on the man? Straight out of left field, bruh. Clearly, we know why you were probably destined to remain Jor-El’s lab assistant before he decided that you and everyone else on Kypton weren’t worth building a spaceship for.

Best,

Namakemono